A Stressful Week

So when I went to my ultrasound last week, I received a bit of distressing news. The ultrasound technician measured the baby's nuchal fold at 6mm. A nuchal fold of 6mm or larger is an indication of a genetic defect, most often Down's Syndrome. A bit of background. I, like I am sure many of you, decline the option of an amniocentesis. In my mind, it doesn't matter if my baby had Down Syndrome. As my husband so lovingly put it, "It's our baby, that's all that matters". I guess I have always thought that if I was meant to have a baby that had Down Syndrome, then the Lord would give me the strength that I needed to handle that challenge/blessing. There would be no point in knowing ahead of time. I was definitely not going to terminate the pregnancy and having the knowledge ahead of time would only cause me to stress out and worry until the birth of the baby, and then some. Those that know me well know that I can worry with the best of them. So here I am, not wanting to know such information, and my midwife tells me after my ultrasound that my baby POSSIBLY has ONE of the POSSIBLE indicators of Down Syndrome. She then schedules me for another ultrasound in 4 weeks and that's it!! No further information. My mind went into overdrive. I don't know if any of you have had a similar situation, but my brain was going nuts! I had all kinds of thoughts. How could I possibly handle that?? Most days I feel inept in parenting my toddler and often wonder what in the world I was thinking in bringing number 2 into the world!? Often the thought of two children overwhelms me, much less the possibility of being the mother to a child with special needs. I felt completely and utterly terrified. Not to mention David wasn't here and there was the great debate whether or not to tell him such information. Especially since I didn't know anything definitive and that there is nothing that he could do from boot camp but worry. By Friday I had had enough. I went from being the person who said I didn't care whether or not my baby had Down Syndrome to someone that NEEDED to know. Just that little tidbit of information was driving me crazy! Now that I knew it was a possibility I just wanted to know what I needed to prepare for. Truth be told, I didn't know very much about Down Syndrome and was scared. There is a woman in our ward whose 10th child was born with DS. I have watched their family grow up and have always been impressed with the ability of the parents as well as the siblings to love him unconditionally. At the same time, he is a crack up. He can always make others smile and is so giving. Watching the family I knew that there are so many blessings that come to those who have a person with DS in their lives. At the same time, I think that mother is a true saint and couldn't imagine having the qualities necessary to parent the way a special individual would need. I'm rambling, huh? Well anyway, I called back to the office on Friday and said that maybe I would take the option they had given to me of going down to Iowa City to have specialist give me an ultrasound. They said that was a good idea, that after looking at my file they felt that was best. This scared me even more. I'm a worse case scenario kind of girl and I kept thinking there must be something terribly wrong with the baby. The next few days there was a lot of inner reflection and prayer going on. On Sunday I got to talk to David and told him everything. He was super supportive and said all the right things. He is not a worrier and assured me that regardless of the outcome it would all be okay. Later that night in my prayers I finally got to the point where I could honestly say, "Thy will be done". I received strength and knew that no matter what, the Lord would be by my side and that with his strength I could handle anything. Monday I did a little research on the internet and found that there are at least 7 POSSIBLE signs of DS and that there was a whole school of thought that found any ultrasonic finding bogus in giving a diagnosis of Down Syndrome. They stated that you could only know for sure through an amniocentesis. My mind still said heck no. I didn't feel the risks of that procedure were worth settling my crazed mind. I went to my appointment yesterday with Britt. I felt a little better knowing more information about Down Syndrome and confident that regardless of the outcome, I could handle it. Still terrified, mind you. First we had to meet with a genetic counselor. She was super nice and answered all of my questions. Basically we needed to get a good look at the heart. At my last ultrasound the baby had been moving around too much to get a good look. She said the condition of the heart was one of the strongest indicators. We discussed the possible amnio and I said that I didn't want to make any decisions today and that after the ultrasound I would talk with David and we'd go from there. We went in for the ultrasound and I was so anxious. I was missing David something fierce. The technician started with the heart. 4 beautiful chambers with absolutely no visible defects!!! Then we checked several of the other indicators. The femur was a good length, the baby had nice long bridge in the nose, kidneys "beautiful", fingers and toes looked great. Then she rechecked the nuchal fold. The technician in Dubuque had measured it at 6mm. This measured it twice- 4.5 mm, well within the desired range! The doctor came in and basically said that the other technician must have measured wrong and that there were no visible indications of possible genetic defects. I was so relieved! Of course, an ultrasound isn't fool proof and there is always the possibility of complications. I am just so grateful that everything looks good right now. It was a definite test of my faith. I feel stronger and closer to Heavenly Father than before. I now know that such complications are a reality and that if they should happen, He will be my strength. Not to mention that I have a very supportive husband and family by my side. It has also made me so grateful for the miracle of Malia's birth and in complete awe of the whole miracle of life. This year, with the miscarriage and this whole situation, I am just amazed at the gift of life. Sorry I rattled on for so long. I am sure that I didn't really say everything the way I meant to but just wanted to let my feelings be known. As I read everyone's blogs I am constantly amazed by all of you wonderful mommies. You are all an inspiration. I just hope and pray that each of us is drawing on our greatest source of strength as we make it through the wonderfully challenging opportunity to be mothers. Go Mommies! With that being said, will someone come please potty train Malia for me?